Last night, I dreamt that I was driving along the coast, going too fast, and I knew it, looking out on to the ocean and seeing ships and oil rigs in the mist, and looking forward to arriving and enjoying the park I was driving to...when I realized I missed a sharp turn and without even a tap on the breaks went hurtling over the cliff...and down down down down to the deep ocean. I never hit bottom, for I woke before that happened. Last year, I accomplished everything I have been dreaming of for the last few years of my life. It is now all settling in. I just moved into my new house that I closed on in Nov, I have a great job (most the time), I have friends and family that love me, went to Burning Man for the first time, I live in the beautiful Pacific NW, so I am not alone and suffering, but I feel alone and scared. But this is what I wanted, control over my life, I need to learn who I am, and what I want to be when I grown up. I need to do this to find all that out, right? But why do I feel paralized now, overwhelmed. Is it that I don't think I can handle the responsiblity of my life? of hurtling over the cliff with no one else's stupidity but my own to blame? Having these things also creates (if I let it) the fear of losing them....silly girl. Last week a friend of mine asked to join in meditiations on the Tarot. This week is The Fool and The Magician. Well, I think this could not be more timely for me. I feel like a fool feeling like this. But meditating on The Fool has made me realize that I have been in touch with the Shadow side of this card, and I fear it, and I need to flip the energy postive, not negative. I am ending an era, and beginning a new path yet again... my my journey work never be done...the Fool's positive spark is what I need to light in me. I seek the Path of Return, it is the path to myself...who said it would be easy. Ahhh then The Magician, energy and action to take that first step on the path.... reach out to others with a smile into the slipstream.

I was going through old journals, as I slowly put away all my books from the boxes they have been in for over a year, and found this and wanted to share.

After a while you learn,
the suble difference between holding a hand
and changing a soul.

And you learn that love,
doesn't mean leaning and company,
it does not mean security.

And you begin to learn,
that kisses aren't contracts,
and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept,
your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build,
all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn,
that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn,
that you really can endure....that you really are strong...and you really do have worth.

(unknown author)